change

Came back from Ft. Lewis just a week ago.

Well, to be honest, I've been worrying about all the assignments (especially 505B) a lot everytime when I had a chance to think about my home and school during the training. Maybe, I perceived that the course work might not be as hard as it is... or maybe I thought I could do it with my mighty will.. like "I will never quit" spirit.

A few days a go, I talked to Dr. Al-majid, and she read through my work that i've put a lot of efforts since the day after I came back from training. I really tried hard and I did my best... she still pointed out a lot of grammar errors and told me this work should be reviewed by English native speakers before I turn in. She liked the contents and the structure of it.. she said she couldn't give me a good grade because of the grammarical errors. I, first accepted whatever she told me to.. yes, I know I have problem with my writting, and I still can do it!

Then, she told me what if I get a B- or something... she said what's my 'plan B'? I said I will pass the class and I have no plan for it but just pass the course with B or better. Then, she said what if I could transfer to the BSN program... I was shocked.

Came back home, and thought about it over and over and over.

First, I denied and mad about what she suggested me. how can she?!!

Then, I realized maybe that's better.

It seems like I've ran a long distance running with Bravo group... (I usually run with Delta group). 3 miles, 4 miles, 6 miles.... maybe I need to slow down before I completely collaps. This is how I feel now. Sometimes, things take more than just a determination... From my experience, it takes a lot of time to practice to run with faster group.

All of sudden, the race is done now. I'm chilling now.. maybe soon I will catch up my breath and think that why I couldn't stay with Bravo group and finish it all early with glory and pride... but, I can't go back now. Well, the ultimate destiny is still the same, finish line is still there. Just now I am on my own pace. It may take longer to get to the finish line, but why's so hurry? I'm still young and healthy.

I maybe knew that I couldn't be so successful by missing 4 weeks of summer school... but I ignored the risk because I really needed a break from school. I was tired... and tired of keeping up with the faster pace than my normal running speed. Up till now, I tried my best and tried not to be behind my group. That's why it is not too miserable to give it up because I did my very best. I'm still running, I am fully capable to finish the race. Just a little slower than before.

So, I'm still waiting for the BSN program adviser, but I bet there's not much classes for me to meet the BSN criteria (according to Dr. Wickman). Maybe I can graduate even faster.. I hope..

All I wanna do, and what I wanna do is providing excellent nursing care to the soldiers. I want to do it now, and I want to do it well. I wonder how many nursing cadets in the Army ROTC program acutally have such a bold and wild passion like me... I don't know.

Up there in Washington.... I got to lay down in the woods a lot. There were giant ant hills (I really wanted to kick that hill... so tempting by seeing billions and trillions of ants moving like a digital graphic and making a hill out of it), nasty spiders, ugly bugs, rotten moss, dusts, poison oaks, poison ivy, dark swamps and more... It did not feel so great being dirty and had to let these things cross all over my body.. Before, I thought that forest pictures soothe me and made me feel peaceful. But, while I was laying down there, nothing is more ugly than being in the forest...

Then, when I looked up like 45 degree angle, the trees and bushes looked so beautiful. Just like mysterious pictures of the forest. Like the scene in the Lord of the ring.. It was exactly like that. Huge trees, tall trees, aged logs, and countless green leafs... in the wood, they covered the sky. When I was in the Black Hwak helicopter ride, I had a chance to see the beauty of Washington state's mountains, forests, and rivers. It was the most beautiful scene I've ever seen in my life. Just like my imagination of a beautiful mountain... In the helicopter, I saw deers running in the woods, river's sparkling reflections... and just endless green. I was surprised how much detail I could see in up high. And it was beautiful. Then, I thought life is, maybe, exactly like that. In a distance it looks so beautiful, but in an everyday reality, it is such a nasty endless drama.

Life is full of surprises, it's sometimes hard to prepare for the change. Change comes with pain, efforts, and new ideas... and hope. Never give up, because life is beautiful.